Some cricket jokes

• In school, the sports master and English teacher asked one of his brighter pupils to spell "bowling".Back came the answer : "B-o-e-l-i-n." "That," said he, "is the worst spell of bowling I've ever seen."

• Two onlookers were talking during the village match.
  'The batsman was late for the first delivery,' observed one.
  'He always is,' said the other. 'That's our milkman.'

• Just before the match, the secretary received a message in his office from the turnstiles. There's an umpire down here with two friends. Wants to know if they can come in.'

• 'No,' replied the secretary , 'the man's obviously lying.''How do you make that out?''Whoever heard of an umpire with two friends.'

• 'I'm proud to say that in thirty years of playing cricket, I've never scored less than twenty five runs and never taken less than three wickets,' said George.'I wish I could say that,' said Ted.Harry spoke up. 'Well, why don't you? George just did!'

• You're looking glum'. 'Yes. My doctor says I can't play cricket.' 'Really? I didn't know he'd ever seen you play!'

• The two cricketers' wives were talking. 'What does your husband do?' 'He's a cricketer.' 'So's mine. Who does your play for?'. 'Well, I think it's the United Nations. He says he's always bowling Chinamen.'

Cricketing Quotes

• "He didn't quite manage to get his leg over."
  - after Ian Botham had spun around off balance and tried to step over the wicket unsuccessfully.

• "He's usually a good puller - but he couldn't get it up that time. " - Richie Benaud

• "That black cloud is coming from the direction the wind is blowing, now the wind is coming from where the black cloud is." - Ray Illingworth

• "The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as the name suggests, absolutely round." - Tony Cozier

• "So how's your wife, and my kids?" - During a match from behind the stumps Rod Marsh to Ian Botham.
  

The 3 old-timers

Three old Tongites were discussing aging on the steps of the pavillion.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," announced sixty year old Bill. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothing," said seventy year old Bob. "When you're 70, you can't take a crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran - you sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out !"

"Actually," said eighty year old Steve, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?", asked Bill.
"No ... not really. I pee every morning at 6AM. I pee like a race horse - no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble taking a crap?", asked Bob.
"No, not really. I have a great bowel movement every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, 60 year old Bill said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at six o'clock and take a crap every morning at six thirty. What's so tough about being eighty ?" To which eighty year old Steve replied, "I don't wake up until ten!"

Bobby Teaches Maths

Bobby is explaining subtraction to the kids. He poses this question to the class: "If three pigeons are perched on a wire and you shoot one off, how many are left?" The class is silent. Little Johnny raises his hand. "You know the answer Johnny?" Bobby asks. "Yes I do. If three pigeons are on a wire and you shoot one off, none are left. The other two would fly away." Bobby is somewhat amused, but calmly corrects Johnny. "No Johnny, if you shoot one off, two are left, but I like the way you're thinking."

This only frustrates Johnny. About five minutes before class ends, Johnny raises his hand again. "Yes Johnny," Bobby asks. Johnny says, "Three women are sitting on a park bench all eating icecream cones. One's bitting it, one's licking it, and one's sucking it; Which one's married?" Bobby is a little confused, but decides to answer, "The one sucking it?" Little Johnny replies, "No, the one with the ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking

Not So Smart Doctor

Reg was in bad shape. He constantly gasped for breath and his eyes bulged. The doctors didn't give him long to live. He decided to live it up. Withdrawing all of his money from the bank, he went on a shopping spree. His last stop was at the most expensive haberdashery in the city. He pointed out a dozen silk shirts. He wore a size fourteen. The clerk said, "Your neck looks bigger than fourteen. You need a sixteen." Reg said, "I know my size. I want them in a fourteen." The clerk said, "I'll get them for you, but I want to warn you...if you wear a fourteen you'll gasp all day and your eyes will bulge."

A Long Flight

Fifteen hours into the flight from Heathrow to Sydney, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left." Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines." An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry ... we still have one engine left." Hornby turned to Jackie in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all week!"

The Cricketer

A distraught woman rushed into a Police Station claiming she had been raped. The Desk Sergeant calmed her down and asked her to provide details. She told him that it was a man of average height dressed in white and that he was wearing protective pads on his legs and forearms, additionally he had on a helmet and gloves. "That sounds as if the man was a cricketer" observed the policeman. "Oh yes he was" replied the woman, "and what's more he was an Englishman". "I suppose you guessed that because of his accent " said the Sergeant. "No" the woman said, "it was because he didn't stay in very long." (CH)