29th April 2000 1st Xl v Oulton away

Mists break on Tong win

We should have expected it, bring an Aussie over and what does the weather do(?), reverts to winter. At one stage the limited crowd was taking bets on the appearance of snow. It was even too much for the Oulton seagulls, who had spent most of the previous fortnight swimming across the outfield. They found a warm roof over the local bistro.

Though the surface water had thankfully drained away, the ground still had a distinctly black tinge to it. It was not a day for new boots and whites (never mind Bobby), more one for long studs and wellies. Definitely "a good toss to win". Thankfully our new skipper is a good one - caller not tosser - honest.

Right so what is our new Aussie? A batsman who can bowl, or bowler who can bat? Time to find out.

Lachlan Alexander Bryan Esq., of Irish, Scottish and Australian extraction (probably means that he can play rugby union for Wales!), lean, young, fit (according to the girls), graceful in run up, flowing locks hanging back in the limp air, down the hill from the Methley end, bowls

and bowls

and bowls

and bowls

beautiful, elegant, technically immaculate but no wickets. What's wrong?

Enter Fat Boy, and it becomes painfully obvious, Lachy has been bowling too straight and on a good length. Ruley shows him how to do it:

First ball loops towards the batsman who is so surprised that he lobs it straight back to Ruley. Luckily for him Ruley is obviously more concerned about the number of stutters that have appeared in his run-up and does no more than prostrate himself on the wicket in his attempt to catch the ball. Never mind, at least that end won't need rolling again!

Ball two, pretty nondescript but at least this one lands and the batsman manages to squeeze this away for a single. By now Ruley has got the batsmen just where he wants them, totally bamboozled. Ball three zips off the wicket takes the outside edge of the bat and a flying pig gobbles up a splendid catch at first slip - well done skippy - unfortunately no fielding point in this league!

So there you have it Lachlan, bowl a load of rubbish with the occasional good-un, not the other way round!

Meanwhile at the other end Smiler was having an early season bender - sorry blinder! I don't know what Donna had him doing over the winter but he had everything, pace, movement, aggression - OK the latter is a little over the top. Whatever, by the end of his seventh over Mr. Stockill had figures of 4 for 17, including two double-wicket maidens. Donna, it worked. Same again next week please!

For those of you familiar with the Test matches you will be aware that they like to have their 'Champagne Moment', we at Tong have a variation on this known as the 'Shakespearean Moment'. No, not Hamlet, not Measure for Measure, not Romeo and Juliet, think about it!

It will take some surpassing this season, and your reporter may not do its description total justice, but it goes something like this:

Fat Boy stutters his way in from the Methley end and bowls,

it pitches(!)

and the ginger headed batsman flays at the ball.

A leading edge loops the ball in the air in the direction of short backward square leg - enough to confuse anyone!

'Chicken George' Hornby, initially frozen in time, recognises a catch and sets off.

The crowd exchange bets on his chances, odds-on a miss. He dives

and the ball plops millimetres infront of his outstretched gloves. George splats into the outfield.

The batsman on seeing this calls his non-striking partner for a quick single and is almost shaking his hand by the umpire when he realises that the non-striker has not set off. The latter had seen the fast approaching Smiler coming in from a short long leg. Being a gentleman though he decided eventually to set off knowing that he would inevitably be run-out.

Thankfully, Reg had realised that George would take some time to extract himself from the mud and had taken up position immediately behind the stumps.

Now what goes through Smilers mind here? "I have the ball in hand some 10 yards from the stumps, with Reg perfectly positioned (don't let it go to your head!). The batsman is still some 15 yards down the track vainly attempting to make his ground. What do I do?

I could toss the ball gently to Reg, who can take the bails off with ease. No.

I could run in, with the ball in hand, and take the bails off myself. No.

I know,

I'll throw a low grubber hard and low to Reg's right, which will make him look really good when he manages to both take the ball and the .............

Oh dear!"

The culmination of this comedy of errors, was the batsman throwing himself in to make his ground and three men in white all rolling around in the mud.

This was enough to have Smiler taken off and Piggsy brought on to finish off the tail.

End of the innings with Oulton 69 (a good number) all out, and so to tea.

The Tong innings was a little of an anticlimax, having the best part of a week to score the necessary 70 runs. Actually it was a run an over required.

The sun came out and warmed up proceedings and Lachlan and senior Shack saw the team home. Our Aussie looked in total control, if a little shocked when one of the Oulton bowlers decided to try Ruley's trick, and lobbed some very slow full-tosses at him. Anyway he watched two and then proceeded to hit the rest to the boundary.

Game won, 12 points, and to the bar.

Finally, for the benefit of the players lady partners, the game finished at about 9.30pm.