Tong v Netherton Match Report (by Nick Sowerby)

A strangely dry and at the risk of sounding ridiculous, almost sunny Saturday morning, allowed the skipper the opportunity to work out where he was, how he’d ended up in his own bed, and what the hell he’d done (not a man) the previous evening whilst revisiting his old alcoholic self, free from the usual barrage of ‘is the game on’, ‘are we playing’ texts massages he so looks forward to at the first sighting of a grey cloud on a Wednesday evening.

A painful start to a pleasing and rewarding day. The signs were good from the onset, with James turning up at the ground 32 minutes before the start of the game, although still 2 hours later than Masood, whose ‘premature’ issues stretch to other areas of his life apart from turning up incredibly early to cricket according to recently received report from the Leeds Male Dwarfs convention, and Karl only having to make one journey to the game as opposed to the previous week’s 3. Sleeping in his whites was definitely a masterstroke. Despite the somewhat pungent odour.

The skipper felt reassured by the sight of an equally rough looking Mr Prince, Haseeb (the result of not enough skunk, sorry graaaaaaaaaasssssssssssss, for breakfast), returning Left Handed Anchorman Nad, and ‘Dog Boy’, who appears to have now replaced the trademark ‘hangover’ flourescent yellow hoodie, with a tight black Leather jacket, last seen donned by the lead singer of Erasure in September 1987. After sharing stories of the previous nights experiences, Nick managed to win the toss, and on a wicket displaying more green patches than nearby Pugneys inserted the opposition in to bat.

Within the space of 5 balls a typically surly looking Mad Dog produced surely the quickest ball of the day to remove the Netherton danger man Newton, whose wild flash only ended up in the safe hands of Tong’s returning Rick Astley lookalike, Stevie G, the first of 3 sharp catches he was to take on his return to the side. On a serious note, an excellent performance from the man with the gloves after couple of months away. Surely he could even be forgiven for aiming 2 verses of his classic chart-topper ‘Never going to give you up’ in the direction of his stumping pads. Despite an obdurate knock from the other opener, who even dared to open his eyes for the second time after surviving yet another close call behind the stumps, wickets fell at regular intervals, in a commanding and disciplined Tong performance in the field. With James bowling in his usually tidy, controlled manner, beating the bat on more occasions than the New York Yankees Pitcher would throwing down his ’swerveball’ to Big Brother’s Mikey, and once AGAIN picking up another ‘FOUR FOR’ Netherton struggled to really break the shackles. Something which was only tightened even more by the on form Duncan ‘Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaassssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss’ Hawkins from the other end, who continued where he left off the previous week with another effective display which resulted in 4-29 off his ten overs, including 3 wickets in one magnificent over, again just as Nick was about to whisk him out of the attack. 16 wickets in 4 games and a recent promotion to ‘Senior Assistant Filing Clerk (he’s now even got a desk to share) means life is good for our resident Labrador. In fairness, for the first time in many years Tong now has a bowling attack to be taken very seriously.

The only dark points in an otherwise excellent effort from Tong were dropped catches from Nad (although redeemed with a sharp take a few overs later), and Nick who sprinted 10 yards only to spill something commonly described in cricket as a ‘crisp bag’, something made even worse by the fact Masood even snaffled a sharp slip catch, and by the 7 hours of ribbing that were to follow. A performance that was even more outstanding considering that Moazy was actually found to be fast asleep for 26 of the 30 overs bowled. The consequences of spending too much time with Khuram, who missed his second game in a row because of a seasonal hibernation. With Martin also away on his yearly package holiday to Benidorm sporting his favourite ‘Kiss Me Quick’ Hat, and Bumbag (an excellent place to store Kebab meat), Tong for once resembled a sporting outfit.

After a bite to eat, the usual piss-taking, and a few cigs, Tong set out to chase the 98 runs they required to achieve a 6 th successive victory. After a positive start and a few blazing strikes from Nad and Nick, the skipper’s recent slump continued, slashing behind to the keeper and beginning the long walk back to the pavillion without having to wait for the umpire to raise his finger (surely some irony there). Nad and the now even angrier looking Mad Dog continued the assault with a quick fire partnership of 35, disrupted only by Mad Dog having to put his shoulder back in after hitting an enormous six, which was greeted with the usual trademark scowl. After reaching a fine 26 Nad unluckily picked out the boundary fielder and was replaced in the middle by Masood, who must have been unluckiest little boy of the day, playing on whilst defending a short ball (half volley to the other 11 team members), with the ball rolling agonisingly onto the stumps which towered above the Tong batsman. Netherton must have felt at this point that they had the chance to put some pressure on Tong. How wrong could they be. Enter Moazam. The daftest comment of the day also coming at this point from the square leg fielder to Nick who was umpiring (now minus the bottle of Stella and Lambert and Butler he went out with), the young man issuing the words ‘is he any good, he doesn’t look much of a batter’ after Moazy played and missed at his first ball. Within 5 overs he must have wished he’d never opened his mouth with Moazy continuing with his recent brilliant form with the bat, scoring an unbeaten 26, including a perplexing moment where he raised his bat to the loutish Tong followers next to the sightscreen after scoring a four…..we later found out he’d passed 200 runs for the season (something not achieved by a Tong player since the since the onset of the Boer War), ably supported by the blazing Mad Dog (31 not out) at the other end…surely the only player ever to be apoplectic with rage after hitting the ball for 4 rather than 6.

5.16pm ……Game Over.……..and another 25 points for Tong.

All in all a great performance as a unit, with everybody supporting each other, and carrying on the steady improvement as the season progresses. An improvement which will hopefully continue and lead to Division 2 honours this season. Something which would be richly deserved. A team that takes the piss, gets on brilliantly, has a great spirit…..and which can play some fine cricket.

‘Respect Blood, innit to y’all’ to quote one of the lads.

See you all at Garforth PC boys.